This week’s newsletter will be somewhat different in format and content.
Rather than my usual, “Thank you for…”, I will begin with a, “you’re welcome,” feature. It appears that this will be a permanent feature if trends continue. And so, YOU’RE WELCOME! You are welcome for taking the time to take and post candid photos of your precious darling on our classroom website every damn week. I known that your child is the Very Best Child, and so I know how appreciative you must be to have the opportunity to view the different activities your Precious engages in. No doubt, you just love seeing his or her face all lit up with joy or tense with concentration and effort as she works her hardest… I know you are especially thankful because in future years, this will probably cease to be an element in your child’s education. I know also that you realize that, without me, you wouldn’t have a clue about what goes on at school.
Which leads me to our next topic. Rather than the section with news and updates, this week’s newsletter instead will focus on making sure you realize that you actually have no fucking clue what is going on in your child’s education or classroom. Oh yes, I realize he or she tells you about certain choice events, and naturally he or she is telling you the unvarnished truth with all sides fully explained and the entire situation illuminated so that you can have an accurate picture of what occurred. Never mind that your child is 6, 7, or 8 years of age or that your child’s teacher who holds two degrees or more in education may have some additional information to share with you.
How do I know that you have no fucking clue what goes on? Well, for starters, remember that newsletter in which I informed you about upcoming homework and due dates? Oh, wait… no, no you do not remember that because you e-mailed me asking me the very question that was answered in said newsletter.
Furthermore, I am sure you recall the e-mail I sent to all parents to be sure they knew that a personalized academic and behavioral update would be safely tucked into your child’s folder yesterday? No, no, it’s not a report card. I just thought it would be nice to make sure you are in the loop and informed so that we can be a team in your child’s education. (because that’s what you said you wanted in the parent survey I sent in September…) So, anyway, that update should have given you all you needed to know. … wait, you didn’t GET one? Your child didn’t have one? Gosh; that’s so weird because I personally made sure your child DID have one and I just can’t imagine what could have happened between school and you. I know I should take full responsibility for this. Oh, did I mention that this update wasn’t actually required of me? Yes, it did take me several hours of my weekend, so, you are welcome for that. I realize this should go in the, “You’re welcome,” section, rather than the, “You have no fucking clue, “ portion. I apologize for my disorganization.
It suddenly occurs to me that your child exhibits the exact same problem as you seem to! I give directions and explain things clearly, and then he expects his own separate explanation after I’ve already told the whole class! Really, that’s so similar to how I told ALL parents the same thing, but so many of you felt that you needed your own, individualized explanations.
Guess what? I’m not a fucking tutor who is paid to work one on one with your child or you! In fact, I make less than I made 10 years ago… I know; crazy, right? I hate to break it to you, really, I do. Especially since you took the time out of YOUR day to march down to MY classroom just before the kids walked in to deliver your child’s materials and have a quick l’il conference with me about that topic we fully discussed on the phone last night after school.
This will actually be the last issue of our parent newsletter, because none of you fucking read them anyway, so I’m pretty sure no one will catch all of this blatant honesty. Speaking of which, I regret that at our meet and greet evening prior to school’s beginning, I neglected to ask you to sign up for the Sugar Coating Parent Share or the “All Natural” version of Parent Share. I realize now, of course, which of you prefer the Sugar Coated version, which turns out to be more of you than I think even you expected, but it’s a bit late for that now. I will certainly try my utmost to at least glaze the truth for you in the future months, but it may be difficult after this particular edition of our classroom news. Either way, this is the Unglazed Edition and, since I fully expect to be unemployed after sending it, you can remain confident that some other teacher will be more than happy to pretend along with you that your child shits roses and glitter.
On the other hand, the only people who read this will probably be the few parents who truly do want to know what is going on and they will probably think you all deserve this, so there’s that.
Have a fabulous weekend and don’t forget to pry your child’s fingers off of his or her video game or technology of choice long enough to feed him or her some healthy chocolate cereal for breakfast and a packaged, plastic lunchable for lunch, followed by a snack of Cheetos and dinner out at McDonalds. Also, it’s just great that you let your child choose his own bedtime; that is just awesome parenting. By all means, do NOT let your child outdoors because the possibility that she could get hurt or stolen (because so many people want a kid who thinks they are the center of the fucking universe) is just too high to risk it. You wouldn’t want your child to develop any life skills, imagination, or problem-solving capabilities by engaging in unstructured play. Just make sure you plan all of his activities and be certain you only enroll her in those sports in which she can get a medal or award for simply existing in the universe.
You are so awesome!
Your Child’s Teacher (a.k.a. baby sitter who knows nothing.)